Chapter Text

Dave hated opening.

He also hated Jane’s new system, where half of the crew would be doing their regular, normal shifts one week while the other half of the crew would be doing different shifts at the same time, switching off every week to keep the whole staff ‘well rounded’ and able to complete any shift if necessary. Knowing Jane, it was just a way to cover up the fact that she was chronically understaffed and couldn’t afford to give people the shifts they wanted.

As a closer, Dave appreciated the finer things in life, such as sleeping in past the godforsaken hour of six in the morning. Which meant that anytime he had to work an opening shift, he prayed to a god he didn’t believe in to strike him down where he stood.

Worse, he had to teach John how to open the store. John himself was fine, but Dave was one hundred percent certain that an actual opener like Aradia would be a better teacher in every sense of the word. Not to mention that both of them would be under Jane’s constant supervision, which really cramped his style, considering all the shit he did that one wasn’t supposed to do but made everything go a hell of a lot faster and smoother.

Yet the actual worst part of taking a fucking opening shift on a Monday of all days would make itself known in the form of a visit from Meenah Peixes, store owner and employee frightener alike.

“Glub morning, fishes!” Meenah’s high, imperious voice echoed through the lobby. “Meenah in da house , baby, where’s Janey?” She addressed Dave, her hot pink rimmed glasses reflecting the lights of the lobby like bioluminescent fish scales. Her two usual braids were bound up in a tight bun on the back of her head.

“Office,” Dave grunted, pointing to the back. As Meenah started walking back to the office without so much as thanking Dave, he resumed his task of throwing scoops into the powders on the powder table. Behind him, John just stared at Meenah’s retreating figure and leaned in to Dave to whisper.

“Is that the owner?” He asked, voice low.

Dave sighed. “Yes, that’s Meenah,” he grumbled. “She’s the reason no one’s gotten a raise in months.”

“Wow.” John hefted the container of ice he’d been carrying and dumped it into the bin up front. “What’s she here for?”

“Either it’s an inspection she ‘forgot’ to tell Jane about, or she’s just here to torment us because she can. She’d been known to do both,” Dave rubbed at his eyes beneath his sunglasses.

Jane’s voice drifted up from the back of house. “Meenah! What a surprise! I wasn’t expecting you?”

Both women made their way to the front, Meenah chattering at Jane about inane happenings from last week while Jane stuttered over her responses, her laugh delicate and stilted to Meenah’s guffaws.

“And then I said, ‘Vriska, business is business. It’s like the old country out here with the suits’, and then that clownfish just got all bitchy with me and said that I could go run my own store. So I’m here!” Meenah cackled. “Vriska doesn’t know shark shit about how to run a glubdamn business. She’s too soft . But she’s Earth-hatched, so it only makes sense.”

Jane just gave a nervous laugh of agreement before seeing John and foisting the seadweller upon her newest and greenest employee. “Oh! John! This is Meenah, the owner for this location,” she introduced, before bustling away. “I need to file some receipts, I’ll be right back.”

John was a tall guy, but the seven and a half foot she-troll towered over him, sweeping him over with intelligent fuchsia eyes. “You’re John?” She asked, unimpressed.

Smiling nervously, his buck teeth showing, John held out a hand. “Yep, I’m John,” he confirmed.

Meenah stared at him for a frightening few seconds, before laughing loudly and grabbing his hand, shaking it vigorously before dropping it and clapping him on the back. “I like this one, Jane!” She called behind her.

His grin now frozen on his face, John glanced at Dave with save me written like neon lights in his eyes. Dave just shrugged behind Meenah.

“Alright, I’m gonna go look at the receipts and shit with Janey, splash out some new promo shit coming up, yadda yadda yadda. You two just pretend I’m not here,” Meenah waved off the two boys and sauntered back to the office.

John’s forehead was visibly sweating once Dave looked back at his friend and coworker. “Christ, is she always like that?” John whispered, rubbing the shoulder that Meenah had slapped him on.

“Afraid so, J-dog.” Dave pursed his lips. “Here’s hoping she leaves soon and doesn’t spend hours hounding Jane about shit.”

“She does that?” Here John seemed a little nonplussed.

Dave gave him a Look. It might have been a cousin to despair. “Yep.”

The next hour was a stressful, stretched-out period of time that was only made the slightest bit better by the fact that they only had a few customers, rare for a Monday morning. Until, a little after seven forty-five, a massive, seven smoothie order printed out. It was an online order under the name of Adam S., and Dave, upon seeing the name, just groaned in defeat.

“What’s the-” John started, walking over and seeing the pile of recipe chits, face falling.

“Yeah,” Dave sighed. “This fucker always orders a shit ton of smoothies really early on Monday mornings, never tips, and none of the smoothies can be doubled or anything since they’re almost always unique. And they’re usually all thirty-two ounces, which makes putting them in drink carriers a pain in the ass.”

John whistled a low note. “So he does this regularly?”

“Yeah, it’s Adam. He used to work here, actually, so he knows how much of a pain in the ass he’s being. But he doesn’t care.” Rolling his eyes, Dave grabbed a chit with reluctance and slapped it onto a blender bowl. “His new job either makes him dress like some kind of KGB cowboy, or he just dresses like that for the love of it. I don’t know what’s worse, to be honest,” Dave snorted. “Latula says he works at a military surplus store now, which makes sense.”

“Sounds like an interesting guy,” John grumbled, also grabbing a chit. “A medium chocolate Shredder, really? That does not sound good.”

Dave huffed a quiet laugh. “You’re telling me.”

Fortunately, no other customers came through while the two worked on Adam’s order, and Meenah’s looming presence from the back could be ignored, if briefly.

“Lobby orders?” Meenah prodded, seeing the bustle as she walked with purpose towards the front.

“Nah, it’s Adam,” Dave called back over his shoulder as he poured and labeled each of the smoothies. Two more still needed ice, and one was still blending.

Meenah scoffed loudly. “Adam? He’s got some nerve showing his face here,” she snapped irritably.

Dave just grunted and continued his task, slapping a label onto a medium strawberry Hulk before shoving it into a drink carrier mercilessly.

“Why, what happened?” John asked, innocent as can be.

Rolling her eyes with an attitude only seen in royal families or possibly the Kardashians, Meenah waved a hand. “Adam quit in the middle of his shift during a rush last summer, and he was Jane’s favorite, so she was devastated and I was frankly pissed. Turns out he had a job lined up working under his man crush, and he decided declaring his undying loyalty while leaving us to struggle was somehow the best option. He was the best closer we had.”

“Yeah, he trained Karkat, who trained me,” Dave added. “I heard that Adam could close down the whole store alone in less than fifteen minutes on average.”

“Damn right he could!” Meenah raged. “ And it was always clean in the morning!”

John blinked, out of his depth. “Wow,” he managed.

The drive-thru beep over the headset drew Dave’s attention away, and he tapped his mic. “What can I get started for you today?”

“I’d like two small angel food slims,” The lady in the drive-thru stated, her voice familiar enough to Dave that he actually cracked a slight smile.

“Yes ma’am,” he responded. “I’ll have your total at the window.”

John glanced over to Dave. “Is she a regular?”

“Yeah,” Dave confirmed, punching in the order. “Calliope always comes through in the morning, every day, and orders two small angel food slims. She always tips two dollars, too. Love her. Ever since I’ve been a closer, I haven’t seen her in forever.”

Nodding, John went to grab the recipe chits. “I’ll make them so you can say hi,” he suggested over the mic.

“Thanks, man.”

As Calliope’s little sedan rolled up, Dave grinned and leaned over to the drive-thru window. “Good morning,” he greeted her.

“Dave! Oh, it’s so good to see you! Where have you been?” Calliope gushed, clasping her hands together, eyes shining.

“I usually work the closing shift now,” he admitted.

Smiling, Calliope held out her credit card and two dollar bills. “Here, and those two dollars are for you.”

“Thank you,” Dave took both, setting the bills in the tip jar and quickly tapping Calliope’s card. “I really like your hat.”

Touching the edge of her dark green beanie, Calliope waved a hand. “Oh, this old thing? I made it myself, actually.”

Dave nodded as he handed Calliope her receipt. “My sister likes to knit,” he mentioned casually. “Alright, we’ll get those out in just a minute.”

“Okay!” Calliope beamed, sitting back in her seat.

Dave turned to see where John was at, letting the drive-thru window close. John was scooping ice into the blender bowl, where he’d doubled the angel food slims to save time. Looking around, Dave noted with relief that Meenah had gone back to the office, saving John from her possible wrath if she’d noticed that he’d doubled the smoothies. Dave made himself a mental reminder to warn John about that in the future.

A handful of seconds after John placed the bowl on the blender to blend, closing the cover carefully, the front door opened.

“Oh God,” Dave mumbled. “John, that’s Adam,” he whispered over his mic.

Looking up from where he had started washing blender bowls at the sink, John took in Adam’s whole deal and plastered on a customer service smile. “Welcome in!”

Without acknowledging John’s greeting, Adam walked up to the corner of the counter where the online orders were placed and addressed Dave directly.

“For Adam?” He asked in a mild Russian accent, holding out his phone so that Dave could see the online order confirmation screen.

“Yeah, these two carriers, all yours,” Dave gestured to the two drink carriers that were almost bursting from the width of the medium smoothie cups they were holding.

Without a thank you or anything else, Adam slipped his phone in his pocket and grabbed the two carriers, hefting them up and out to his Jeep.

“Wow, is he always so cold?” John remarked after the door had closed and Adam had driven off.

“That’s what you choose to address? Not the fact that he was dressed like a stripper cowboy with a military fetish?” Dave lifted the blender cover and poured the two small angel food slims, popping plastic lids onto both. “Dude’s fuckin’ wacko.”

Walking over to the drive-thru window, Dave handed out the two smoothies to Calliope. “Here you go,” he said, handing her two straws. She smiled at him again.

“Thank you!” Calliope beamed. “Don’t work too hard, now,” she warned, almost teasing, but still kind.

“I won’t,” Dave assured her. “You have a great day.”

After Calliope drove off, Dave sat back and examined the front of house. “Does anything need rotating?” He asked John.

“Nah,” John glanced over at the fruits and powders. “We’re all good.”

From the back, Dave could hear Meenah laugh, loud and distinct, like an evil queen.

“All right, all right, I’ll leave you three to it,” she called back to the office as she walked up front, her hot pink purse swinging from her shoulder. Clasped in her hands were some folders, the dull manilla color offset by her magenta acrylic nails. Meenah managed to wave to the two of them quickly, before undoing her bun to let her braids free. “Bye-bye, Dave and John!”

“Goodbye!” John called after her, apparently chronically unable to be impolite to anyone. Dave just watched her leave, not letting out his breath until she stepped into her Mercedes.

“God, she stresses me out,” Dave admitted, rubbing his eyes underneath his shades. “She once fired some poor schmuck on the spot because she saw him on his phone during his actual lunch break.”

John’s eyes widened. “Good grief,” he said, shaking his head.

“Tell me about it. Hey, at least in half an hour or so, Mituna should be coming in with Sollux,” Dave mentioned, noticing the time.

Scrunching his eyebrows together, John cocked his head. “I thought only one person came in at nine.”

Dave nodded. “Yeah, Mituna is our mid shift, but Sollux is the IT guy. They’re brothers, actually.”

“Cool,” John replied. “I always wanted an older brother,” he commented, slightly wistful.

Snorting, Dave shook his head. “You’ve literally met Dirk,” he pointed out. “Not saying that I’m not glad to have a brother, but man, he used to be cool. Emphasis on used to be .”

John laughed. “Yeah, he seems like a handful,” he agreed.

The next half an hour passed uneventfully, with a couple of drive-thru customers and not much else. When Mituna walked in, with Sollux following behind him, John perked up and waved.

“Hi!” He greeted, grinning.

Mituna just adjusted his hat and waved back weakly, sighing as he clocked in.

“Hey, Mituna. Hi, Sollux,” Dave called across the store. “Jane’s in the office,” he directed Sollux, who nodded and slipped into the back.

“How busy has it been today?” Mituna asked, grabbing a headset and rifling through the batteries to find one that worked.

Dave leaned against the freezer pull-out. “Slow, actually. Meenah stopped by, like, fifteen minutes after we opened, and left like half an hour ago.”

“Damn, really? Shit sucks,” Mituna snorted. His eyes were barely visible through his thick hair, squashed down into his face from his hat. “What’s your name again? Latula told me you were new, but I forgot your name,” he asked John.

“I’m John,” he said, holding out a fist to bump.

Obliging the holy bro ritual, Mituna fist bumped John back.

Bustling up to the front, Jane noticed Mituna and gave a brief smile. “Hello, Mituna. Are you guys good up here while I run to the store to get some fruit?”

“Sure thing,” Dave gave Jane a thumbs-up, face blank.

“Great,” Jane said absently, pulling her keys out of her pocket. “We need more smoothie bowl strawberries, blueberries, and bananas. I’ll be right back.” She opened up the front register’s cash drawer and pulled out some bills, counting carefully and marking a piece of paper with a pen before sticking it all into her purse.

Watching Jane walk out of the store, Dave let out a deep breath. “Swear to God if we get a rush while she’s gone, I’m going to do something heinous.”

Mituna laughed. “It’s a Monday, dude. We’re gonna get slammed, it’s just a matter of when .”

“Fair enough. Just not right now, I’m begging,” Dave held his hands up in mock prayer.

For ten minutes, it stayed slow. Business started to pick up for real after that, with more people coming through the lobby and drive-thru, and a handful of online orders in between. Spotting Jane’s car drive past the front windows after about twenty minutes since she had left, Dave nodded to himself and finished pouring the smoothie for drive-thru.

“Jane’s back,” Dave noted over his mic.

“Yes I am!” Jane responded, her mic crackling slightly. “Can someone help me unload the trunk?”

Mituna finished washing a blender bowl and tapped his mic. “On my way,” he said, hustling to the back door.

John and Dave worked together to finish off the tail end of the rush while Mituna and Jane brought in the fruit from Jane’s car. Leaving Mituna to begin the washing and preparation of the smoothie bowl fruit, Jane came up front and helped them both. Her face brightened considerably from its weary state when the lobby door opened to reveal Jake, this time without Dirk in tow.

“Now that is a fine-ass man,” Jane murmured over the mic, moving to the front register. “I’ll take his order.”

Dave snorted. Over the mic, he whispered back. “You know he’s dating my brother, right?”

“Doesn’t mean he isn’t a fine-ass man,” Jane responded, before catching Jake’s attention. “What can I get started for you today, hon?”

“Oh, hello! I think I’ll try a small blueberry heaven today,” Jake stated. “And also…” Here he checked his phone, peering at the screen for a few seconds. “I’ll also get a medium coffee high-protein almond mocha smoothie with espresso.”

Dave grabbed a blender bowl and waited by the printer. “Is that one for Dirk?” He asked.

“Hi, Dave! Yeah, the coffee one is for Dirk. He and I are going to go swimming later,” Jake grinned, pushing his glasses up his nose.

“Aw, that sounds nice,” Jane commented. “Alright, your total will be on the card reader…”

Jake glanced down and tapped at the card reader, holding his credit card up to the machine carefully.

“Would you like your receipt?” Jane’s voice was honey-sweet.

“Oh, I’m good, thank you,” Jake responded.

“We’ll get those right out, hon,” Jane smiled broadly.

Jake smiled back, and wandered off to the other end of the lobby to wait.

Grabbing the chit for the blueberry heaven, Jane turned her mic on again. “If that man wasn’t already committed, I tell you,” she spoke in a low voice. “Good lord!”

Mituna snickered, his mic cutting out slightly.

Dave just sighed and got to work making Dirk’s smoothie, adding in a spoonful of creatine when Jane wasn’t looking. Dave figured it was the least he could do for his gainless wonder of a brother after dissing him in front of his coworker.

As soon as Dirk’s smoothie was on the blender next to Jake’s, Dave walked to the back where Mituna was pulling fruit out of sanitized wash and placing them to dry on paper towels, and slumped into a chair.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 9:27

TG: yo
TG: i put some muscle builder into your smoothie
TG: for free
TG: never say i don’t do anything for you again
TT: Thanks.
TT: So what was it that you wanted from me in exchange?
TG: what
TG: who said i wanted anything
TT: You’re never this altruistic.
TG: okay wow
TG: can’t i do something nice for my dear brother for once
TT: I’m still not exactly convinced of your charity here.
TT: Why would you let me know about your so-called random act of kindness if some kind of payback was not expected of me?
TG: can’t a bro just be a bro
TG: goddamn you have a weird relationship with people being nice to you
TG: rose would flay you alive with her psychobabble for this
TT: It’s a good thing you’re not Rose, then.
TT: What do you want?
TG: okay look
TG: just because you’re right this time
TG: doesn’t mean i can’t also be altruistic sometimes
TT: I fucking knew it.
TT: Tell me, then, what favor you want from me that would be equivalent to one saved dollar on my smoothie.
TG: well okay when you say it like that
TG: it sounds a lot less nice
TG: but anyways
TG: killjoy
TG: what i want is to actually hang out with you
TG: and to finish the song we were working on
TT: I’m busy today.
TG: yeah i know
TG: jake said you guys were going swimming
TG: which is fine
TG: but also you have spent literally every single day going out with jake for the past week at least
TG: i want some bro time man
TG: i miss my bro
TT: Ugh.
TT: You may be right.
TT: I have missed making beats with you.
TT: But you have to understand, this is the first time in almost a year that I’ve been able to get Jake to hang out with me for more than a quick and casual dinner date.
TT: I’m trying to capitalize on this as much as I can.
TG: what
TG: before he realizes you’re a weirdo who needs to minmax his relationship?
TT: Careful what you say next, brother dear.
TG: i’m just saying dude
TG: maybe if you chilled out more
TG: then jake would enjoy hanging out with you for shorter periods of time over a longer extended timeframe
TG: thereby actually increasing your total manful gay time together
TT: Like you would know anything about relationships.
TT: Mister ‘I’m going to ignore my massive and totally platonic crush on my coworker’.
TG: woah hey now
TG: i don’t know what the fuck you’re on about man
TT: If you don’t start making some moves on Karkat soon, I’m going to show him your scrapped love poetry that you thought you deleted.
TG: dude
TG: what the fuck
TG: like seriously what the actual fuck
TG: how the fuck did you find it???
TT: Ah, so you admit it’s love poetry, then.
TG: no
TG: those were my extremely based and heartfelt platonic rap flows meant for my eyes only
TG: but i am capable of extrapolating from context clues what you meant because contrary to popular belief i actually passed english with flying colors
TT: Whatever.
TT: If you can’t find the balls to tell Karkat how you really feel, you can expect me to email him some very interesting text files.
TG: okay wow
TG: wooooooooow
TG: this is a great attempt to distract me from the original issue at hand
TG: which was about your weird psycho boyfriend behavior
TG: and also me wanting to spend some time with my brother
TG: besides
TG: if you send him my writing
TG: i will not only tell jake about your ‘ironic’ self insert erotica that you draw with him as a werewolf and you as a vampire
TG: i will also send him a three ring binder with laminated pages of each work printed out in full color
TG: and film his live reaction on instagram dot com
TT: Touché.
TT: Fine. I’ll let you fester in quasiplatonic friendzone hell for as long as you want.
TT: We can finish our song together on Wednesday, I’ll be free from noon to dinnertime.
TG: yaaaaayyy yippee hooray
TG: okay swag you’re the best love you

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 9:36

Shoving his phone in his pocket, Dave stood up and hustled his way to the front.

“Sorry, I had to text my brother,” he managed through his heavy breathing.

“Oh, you’re good!” John was scrubbing the wall by the freezer. “We’ve been slow. Jake left a few minutes ago, and we haven’t had anyone come by since.”

“That’s good, at least,” Dave muttered.

The next hour and a half were fairly dull, with the only real rush happening when a group of three girls walked in and ordered a smoothie bowl each in addition to their smoothies, while drive-thru was going steady. The flow was fairly smooth, though, with John trying his hand at making the smoothie bowls, Dave running drive-thru, and Mituna making the smoothies, while Jane prepped in the back. Sollux left well before the rush, after explaining some tech-related information to her, having fixed the computer. He wished Mituna a good shift, bought a protein bar, and slipped out the back door so that he wouldn’t have to walk past the other customers.

A few minutes past eleven, Latula walked in and waved to Mituna, who cheered.

“Hey guys!” Latula greeted, throwing her hair into a quick ponytail as she walked.

“Hey girl!” Mituna set down the paper towels he was carting up from the back, and initiated a complex handshake with Latula that took thirty seconds to complete. It looked to Dave like it included a few dance moves as well. Frankly, he was impressed.

Latula quickly clocked in and donned her hat, leaning on the wall. “How’s it been today?”

“Pretty slow, with a few small rushes,” Mituna filled her in. “Apparently Meenah came by this morning when it was just John, Dave, and Jane.”

Jaw dropping, Latula stared at Dave, who shrugged.

“Yeah, she stopped by. Picked up some papers, talked to Jane, then left after like an hour. Seemed like she was in a decent mood.” Dave recalled.

Latula shook her head and snorted. “That’s crazy, ‘cause Terezi told me just yesterday that apparently, Vriska got in a huge argument with Meenah over text, and got goaded into some stupid wager about sales.”

“Wait, what?” John walked over, curious, having finished making the smoothie bowls.

“Yeah, I don’t remember the amount exactly, but apparently Meenah bet Vriska that Jamba Juice wouldn’t be able to make some certain amount of money in the same time as Smoothie King, and Meenah wagered something like a thousand dollars.” Latula confided. “Terezi told me that she tried to convince Vriska that it would be a bad idea to take the bet, but Vriska did it anyways because she’s a stubborn ass bitch.”

John just shook his head. “That’s insane,” he mumbled.

Groaning, Dave’s head fell back. “I swear to God if Meenah told Jane about this stupid ass bet…”

“I don’t think she did,” Mituna cut in, “because I didn’t hear anything about it from Jane when I was unloading fruit with her, and you know how she likes any excuse to complain about someone.”

“Meenah’s probably totally confident that Smoothie King will win the bet, then, ‘cause otherwise she’d be all up in our asses about making more money for her,” Dave reasoned. “It’s still too early for this shit. What time is it?”

Latula checked her phone. “It’s eleven twelve. Damn, that’s a coincidence.”

“John, you and I only have two hours left, let’s go,” Dave held up a hand for a high-five.

Grinning, John wound up for the most killer high-five in the history of high fives, and missed Dave’s hand entirely.

“Let’s, uh, retry that,” John said, embarrassed.

Mituna snorted.

The next two hours passed without major incident, but time stretched and slowed, with Dave feeling like an eternity must have passed only to check the time and see that it had been ten minutes since he last checked. Eventually, the clock read that it was only seven minutes to one, and Dave punched the air.

“Good news, J-dog, we’re about to skadoosh outta here in like five minutes,” Dave called across the empty store.

“Woohoo!” John cheered.

Walking up behind Dave, Latula tapped his shoulder. “If you two wanna leave right now, you can,” she offered. “It’s been slow enough, plus I want your headset.”

“Let me clear that with Jane,” Dave affirmed, walking to the back of house.

Looking up from the row of prepped juices that she was labeling, Jane saw Dave and waved a hand. “If you want to leave now, go ahead. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks, Jane.” Pulling off his headset, Dave handed it off to Latula, and grabbed his keys from the lockers.

Up front, John saw Dave without his headset and took his off as well, hanging it on the rack.

“We ready to rock and roll?” John called to Dave.

“You know it,” Dave answered, clocking out at the front register.

John followed suit, and within seconds the two were walking out to Dave’s car. Sliding into the front seat, John let out a long sigh.

“First opening shift, how’d you like it?” Dave started the engine as he spoke.

John considered for a moment, then closed his eyes. “Eh. Not my favorite.”

Huffing out a laugh, Dave nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I prefer to close for a reason.” Pulling out of the parking lot, he set out for John’s house, a route he was beginning to memorize. “You want to play something on the aux?”

“Sure.” Reaching for the aux cord, John pulled up Spotify on his phone.

“I’m trusting you with the tunes, man, pick something bangin’,” Dave advised. “You’re the DJ now.”

Chuckling, John pulled up a playlist and plugged in his phone, hitting play. The opening notes of Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley boomed through the car’s speakers, and Dave laughed loud and long.

“Fair enough,” Dave managed through his laughter.

At least his shifts without Karkat wouldn’t be so bad, now that he had John. Dave adjusted his sunglasses, and focused on the road home.